Word Vomit: Finding Ways to Destress

It's been a long time since I've written on here.  I've been really great at suppressing my stress lately and I feel like it would be good for me to use this as an outlet so that one day my stress doesn't collect until one day I implode/explode simultaneously and destroy everything around me in a ten mile radius.  So, here I am typing because for some reason that calms me.

It's been a crazy couple weeks.  Between JW and WR along with the confusing and aggressive advances of OG coupled with poem writing from JG and invitations to hang out from BK, I'm kind of confused about this whole relationship thing.  I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel anymore about a guy that I have a crush on.  I don't (just to clarify) but I just want to know how it's supposed to feel.  I'm also annoyed at the fact guys expect me to instantly fall in love with them, or send me pics of myself topless or in a bikini (yes, you are being gross and inappropriate- I've only been talking to you for a week), or when they mention the friend zone and I want to tell them that they're sexist jerks but I don't know how to.  Conclusion: guys are confusing and I need them to locate their chill.

Other than that, I have Mock Trial, squash, Chemistry, and math to worry about plus exams coming up in two weeks.  That is all that will be said on that subject because I'm too stressed.

Also dance classes.

Also I want to play the flute again... and the piano.  I'll just fit that in between studying for Chemistry and freaking out about another Mock Trial scrimmage.

My life feels like a mess of tangled yarn and I want to untangle it but I don't know where to start.

Bye for now.

xo
Alex

Musings in English Class

Right, so I'm supposed to be writing my english paper... but what else is a procrastinator to do? You got it, not do my work.  So I'll regret it later tonight when I have to write my whole rough draft for tomorrow, but for now it feels good to listen to ITunes Top 50 (how un-hipster of me) and fool around here.
Holy kittens, guess what? I got my first (or maybe 2nd) A+ on a Math test and I am so so so so so so so happy!!! I've been struggling with testing in math this whole year and last year as well, and I've been getting B-'s and --
wait, strike that Itunes Top 50 kind of sucks.  I think I'm listening to a Charmin's commerical... ugh kill me--

okay, sidebar over.  So B-'s and C's galore and maybe one 94 before, so it feel so good to get a 97%.  Not a perfect score, obvi, but seriously AWESOME.  I can't wait to tell mom and dad... and maybe get something out of it.  JK, but maybe lol... like perhaps the pair of Chloe shoes I've been begging for.  But I think they sold out of my size of the color I wanted... I'll see #firstworldproblems.

Life without mock trial is sad and depressing... I miss my team so much.  I seriously get emotional when I think of how close we got in Madison.  I mean, it still burns thinking about how we got ripped off, but it was worth it I think, in the end, because I really now love everyone there. Well, except for AD, because she's a major jerk, but other than that.

Caroline and I got so close and Polly and I as well.  Sara even warmed up finally and all Sonia wants to do is snuggle now haha. Not to mention how close I now feel with the coaches. Well, the head and assistant coach (jokes).  I really feel so close and trusting of them.  And I know they would do anything for me, and never lose faith in my abilities.

When Josh emailed us his adaptation of the Madeleine poem, in it there's a line that says "You're my guys", and I connect with that so much.  I don't know why, but whenever he says that, it warms my heart. I replied to his email and I almost cried when I got his response back.

Here's how it went (including the poem):

[Those of you who crashed early Saturday missed the bedtime story.  So I figured I'd send it around.  If you've read Madeline, you might recognize the form.  If you haven't, then you had an impoverished childhood and you should correct that.]

In a vine-covered building that was lighted with lamps,

Room 12 held a team of two straight champs.

For two straight years they listened well,

Kicked some ass,

And worked like hell.

They had trials that were good,

And jokes that were bad,

And coaches who were raving mad.

They beat opponents one-by-one

'Til they were done

And champions.

And all of this while having fun.

They were not afraid of chalks.

They beat Maimo -- cleaned their clocks.

To the Marshfield lovely script

Winsor said: "Bull. Sh!t."

And then just to seal their fate,

They gave Pioneer one more plate.

After they had won the fights,

Winsor's trophy case felt light

And they said, "Something is not right."

Madison was now the home

Of trials worthy of a poem.

And soon after they had tickets

And a group that they had picked

They were ready to attack.

"Team," they said, "We're going back!"

Everybody had to work,

Not a single person shirked.

Madison was now the spot

For us to take another shot.

Braving for another fight

We met again on Friday nights.

Winsor Women worked for many hours

To refine their powers.

Trialers soon learned the case,

Joking often about race.

Struggling on and rarely dozing.

(Meh, who needs to write a closing?)

Outside were sun, and trees, and sky.

And so four weeks passed quickly by.

One fine Wednesday filled with sun

The team said wouldn't it be fun

To go to Madison.

They checked their bags in ones and twos,

And did a puzzle with stupid clues.

Ate some pizza, drank some Coke,

While Josh told the Tale of Texas and the wonderful Clown Joke.

And the great Zombie Princess Team

I walked with once upon a dream.

Okay Madison, I'm here again.

And you'd better not cause my kids pain.

They played like champs,

Showed trademark sass,

Worked like hell,

And kicked some ass.

At the end of the last night,

Nobody was left to fight

And we felt Something is Not Right.

And while the results got bad and badder,

Winsor's team got mad and madder.

And Josh said, "Do, please, children

Tell me, what is troubling you?"

And all the Winsor Girls cried, "Boo hoo!

We want to have a fifth trial too!"

Goodnight, Winsor Girls.

Trial Five's not the prize.

I'm still your proud coach.

And you're still my guys.

So it's back to the world.

We'll shed no tears.

And that's all there is.

(At least until next year.)

Alexandra Farina <afarina@winsor.edu>	May 12 (3 days ago)
to Josh

I'm really happy I'm one of your guys.

Let's kick some ass next year

	May 12 (3 days ago)
to me

Me too, kiddo.  You're the real deal.  And there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

----------------

Ermegherd, I can't.  

He's made me feel so talented and worth it, I don't think I can ever thank him.

His stories, his encouragement, his critiques, his jokes really keep me going and legitimize what I'm doing which feels really amazing.  Doing something without encouragement is really hard... and the fact that I know him, and D, have my back unconditionally is a seriously incredible feeling. 

Bystanders, Upstanders

Mom just sent me the possible tutors that could help me study for the BIO SAT2 that is in the beginning of June.  So yeah, it's ambitious task and stressful and I don't really like talking about it because then it gets me upset.  But, anyway, that's not the point.
One of the tutor's names is Charles.  He went to MIT when he was 16 years old.  In one year, when I'm 16, I can only hope I survive sophomore year much less think about applying to college.  And  it got me thinking.... overanalyzing, one would say.  When you hear about someone like that immediately one begins to think about their choices.  Am I doing enough? Am I just standing by and letting my life pass without doing anything special or defining? He's done something defining... something special. And what have I done? Done ballet for a better part of my life and then as good as quit, play squash but don't do tournaments, participate on a state championship mock trial team that can't seem to win nationals, am a privileged white girl?  Okay, so that actually seems like pretty good for some reason.  Writing that down kind of made me realize that maybe I am doing something worthwhile.  I know this seems like I'm shifting gears quite suddenly, but putting that down actually made me realize the things I am doing.  God, I really should blog more often.  But moving on.  There are regrets that I have now as a freaking freshman in high school and those are the things that I want to change definitely.  But Charles-- he incredible.  And me? I work hard, get pretty good grades, but will I ever be spectacular? I want so badly to stand out from the rest, and I don't think that's something that will ever happen.  I know, who knows, right? But looking from here, my cards don't spell out F-A-M-O-U-S or S-A-V-E-D T-H-E W-O-R-L-D.

Thinking about it, though, maybe that's how it should be.
I don't know... life is too complicated to figure out on a wednesday afternoon when one has to go to squash lesson and do her english paper.

x
Alex